Getting Better
by UnicornsAndRainbows20089
Summary: "I thought you stopped cutting," Sean's voice was distant, I couldn't tell him the truth. I couldn't tell him that I cut almost everyday. Then at the same time, I couldn't lie. Previously called Cutting me Away!


**An:** This was prevously called _Cutting me away_! I didn't steal the story, I am the owner of it!

Declaimer: I don't own! That simple, right?

Word Count: 2100 words

Warnings: Cutting, mention/possible suicide.

**Getting Better**

_Ellie_

"I guess my CD collection just got a lot bigger," Sean said, taking my CD case out of my bag, and smiling. He opened it and his face fell.

"Sean I..."

"I thought you stopped cutting." Sean's voice was distant, I couldn't tell him the truth. I couldn't tell him that I cut almost everyday. Then at the same time, I couldn't lie.

"Not exactly," I looked down at my feet and bit my lip. Sean got up from the couch and took the CD case from my hands. He opened it up and examined its contents, razor blades, switchblades, pocket knifes, and my favorite, the compass.

"How long?" he looked up and I could see tears in his eyes. This made me look away, tears slowly forming in my eyes, but I wouldn't dare let them fall. "How long Ellie?" he repeated again when I wouldn't answer.

"How long what?" I asked, playing dumb.

He sighed, "How long have you been doing this?"

Tears started coming out of my eyes and I sat on the couch next to him, "I started a year ago, but 6 months ago I stopped, but I..." I looked down.

He sighed again, taking my hand in his. "It's okay," he said softly, "I just want you to be safe and well hunny, cutting isn't exactly the way to go. I love you Ellie, you know that right?" I nodded and he just pulled me closer to him. I rested my head on his chest.

"I started again about 4 months ago," I whispered into his chest, and his grip on me tightened. We'd been going out 4 months and one week. "It isn't your fault, I promise," I quickly added.

"Why then?" he asked quietly lifting my chin up so I could look into his hurt and confused deep brown eyes.

"You know why. I can control the pain I inflict on myself. It's my release from the world, release from my mum." I buried my head into his chest and cried softly.

_Sean_

I just held on to her for dear life. I felt horrible, what kind of good boyfriend doesn't know that his girlfriend is cutting herself?

In a few minutes, after she had cried herself to sleep, I picked her up and put her in my bed. She looked like a perfect angel to me, even with makeup smeared all over her face. I kissed her cheek and left the room to unpack her stuff.

As much as I wanted to take that CD case and chuck it in the trash, something inside of me was telling me not to. Therefore, I put it in the closet in my room where I knew she wouldn't find it. I wasn't going to let her keep cutting herself up.

"Sean?" she asked sleepily when I went into the room.

"Yeah it's only me, go back to sleep," I cooed into her ear, slipping the CD case under the bed. It would have to do for now.

_Ellie_

I knew what Sean was in the room to do, he was going to put my CD case in the closet or somewhere else I wouldn't be able to find it. I wasn't ready for that. I still needed to know where it was. Therefore, I got him to cuddle me; luckily, he fell asleep before I did.

We were awoken by Sean's alarm clock 6:30 the next morning. I stretched and yawned before getting up. Sean left the room to let me get changed and I immediately went for the CD case under the bed, slipping it into my bag. I got dressed and redid my all black make-up and fixed the two red braids.

When I came out of the room, Sean was in the kitchen making my favorite meal, pancakes. I smiled and kissed his cheek. "You didn't have to make me pancakes, I could have gotten a slice of toast or something."

Sean just smiled back at me. "But pancakes are your favorite, besides we still got two hours to get to school and it's only a 5 minute walk away." I nodded, this was true, it only took me 30 minutes to get ready, and we didn't have to be there until nine.

"Why do you get up so early then?" I asked stealing a cooked pancake from a plate.

Sean shrugged. "I like to have time to watch some TV while I eat, then shower if I got to. And hey! No eating them before there all done!"

I laughed, "But you see it was calling out to me. It was saying 'eat me Ellie, eat me!'"

Sean shook his head and started laughing too. After we ate, Sean got dressed and we walked to school hand in hand. Maybe for once in my high school life school wouldn't be as bad today. Nevertheless, my hope soon was trashed by none other than Paige Michalchuk.

"Ellie, when will you ever learn the style of fashion?" she asked, smirking.

"So I can look like a plastic Barbie doll? Like you? My 'style of fashion' is perfectly fine thank you." I said, obviously irritated. She just smirked and walked away. I rolled my eyes and continued towards my locker, Sean following close behind.

"Are you okay?" he asked suspiciously, "I never seen you get so pissed off by something Paige Michalchuk said before."

I nodded and faked a smile, "I'm fine Sean, don't worry so much."

He reluctantly nodded and went off to find Jay and Alex. I thought about following him but I decided against it and went to my first period English class with Mrs. Kwan. Thinking this was just going to be some normal English class where everyone just ignored their work and talked the whole class, I went in and sat by my best friend, Marco Del Rossi.

"Kwan is in a horrible mood this morning." Marco whispered to me, "I think she's PMSing."

I laughed, "Yes, Marco, cause that's the solution of all."

He nodded, "It is," he smiled sheepishly, "so how's living with Sean?"

I smiled, "its good."

"Mrs. Nash, Mr. Del Rossi, must you interrupt my class?" Mrs. Kwan said in a bitchy tone.

"Told ya!" Marco whispered causing me to laugh.

"Mrs. Nash, do you think interrupting class is funny?"

I shook my head, "Sorry Mrs. Kwan."

The rest of English went by as normal as possible, some people doing their work, most people just talking and being bitched at by Kwan. At the end of it, I said my goodbye to Marco and headed to Math, which went by faster than ever, but at the end of the class, Mr. Armstrong held us all.

"Please come get your tests from last week before you go." Everyone ran up and got their tests. I got mine last, a 32.

I calmly exited the classroom. Instead of going to my next class, I went straight to the bathroom. Tears welted up in my eyes. She was right, I was a failure. I couldn't do anything. I screwed up everything I tried to do. I'd never be good enough. I took the CD case out of my bag and grabbed my Compass, pressing it against my left forearm. Then I felt better, that is until I saw that someone was standing right behind me.

*****GB*****

"Please, go away." I said in a barely auditable voice. Tears were filling in my eyes as I looked at the person, hurt and confusion in their stare.

"That's not going to happen. Talk to me." Sean said, looking at my arm, which was still bleeding,

"Please Sean." I whispered, "Please, leave me alone?"

"I can't do that. What do you expect me to do? Just sit here and watch you slowly kill yourself? Watch and wait for that one time when you take things to far? What kind of person would I be if I let that happen, El? Hell, what kind of boyfriend would I be?" I could tell that he was hurt, but I didn't expect him not to be. He was going out with me after all. A useless, worthless failure.

"W-we need to b-break u-up," I said through tears, putting the now blood filled compass back in my CD case and the case back in my bag. I pulled my sleeve down over the still-bleeding cut and started for the door.

"Ellie," he said grabbing my arm before I could get out the door, "We have to talk about this."

"What if I don't want to talk, Sean? I'm useless. You're better off without me. That way I can't hurt you anymore," I said struggling from his grip, which just tightened. I sighed and relaxed in his grip, which must have been a cue for him to pull me into his chest. I lightly sobbed into him while he rubbed by back.

"I-I'm s-so s-sorry." I stuttered between sobs, "I'm s-sorry I l-lied. I'm s-sorry all your t-time goes into h-helping a l-lost case l-like me. I'm s-sorry I can't s-stop. I'm s-so s-sorry."

He sighed and hugged me tighter, "It's not your fault Ellie." He whispered, I opened my mouth to protest but he put his finger to my lips to silence me. "It's not."

"Then whose is it?" I asked looking up towards his eyes.

He was silent for a few seconds, "No one."

I shook my head, "No. It's mine."

"We can get you into therapy," he said changing the subject.

I shook my head violently, "No freaking way."

Sean sighed, "How else are you going to get better El? It's for your own good."

"I don't like talking!" I said my voice getting louder, "I won't do it. It'll just be a waste of money."

Sean sighed again, "We can talk about this later. We should get back to class. Can I have the CD case?" he asked slowly reaching out for the case that was tightly in my grip.

"No. It's mine." I say looking down at the floor.

"Ellie-"

"Sean, please. Just leave it be okay? I promise I won't use it again." I said, not sure I could keep that promise. Not sure I could make it through another day, another hour, another minute. I needed it. Badly. But I would never tell him that. Never ever. It's not that I was lying when I said I was sorry, I was sorry. However, I wasn't sorry for cutting. I wasn't sorry that my life is that bad that I feel the need to- Actually, I was. But… As much as I was, I couldn't stop. Ever.

*****GB*****

Sean let me be. He said it was only until after school though. That's why I faked having to pee when we went to leave the bathroom. Now I'm lying in the hospital. I cut too deep and almost died. They think I'm sleeping but really, I'm awake, I'm just not ready to open my eyes.

Sean hasn't left my side, not even to sleep. I know he blames himself for what happened. It isn't his fault. It's mine.

"Sean?" I whisper. I could barely hear the words myself, let alone anyone else hear them but Sean looked at me teary-eyed.

"Ellie?" he said sitting up in the chair that was next to my bed.

I smiled a little, "How long have I been asleep?"

He looked at his watch, "Only 40 hours."

I rolled my eyes then closed them again, the light was bright.

Sean took my hand, "I was so scared."

I frowned, "Sorry."

He shook his head, "its okay. It's better for you in one way. Now you can get help."

I looked at him confused, "What do you mean Sean?"

He looked away and frowned, "You're in the physic ward Ellie, and you can't get out until your better. Until the doctors are sure you'll stop cutting."

I looked at him in shock. I hated whoever found me and brought me here. I didn't want to stay. I was NOT insane and I DIDN'T need help! And I most certainly WAS NOT staying there.

"No. I'm going home," I say strongly.

Sean shakes his head and goes to the door, "I love you Ellie. See you in eight weeks."

I start to cry when he leaves. I can't believe I have to stay here, I will be like a prisoner! But I guess its better this way. I guess now I can finally get better…

**End**


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